How to reduce your audience if you run a radio station.

Tell your presenters not to say anything but to play all the songs in bunches of three or four at a time back to back (segued). They must play in whatever order the computer's playout program spews them out, regardless of whether or not they all fit together nicely. Ideally, the main program used to decide the rotation should have been badly 'tagged' such that the computer has no idea what sounds stupid.

With no personality or other hook happening inbetween the songs your radio station will not be providing anything that's different to a pre-recorded CD. In fact, your imitation of a badly put together compilation CD will remind listeners that they've got a far more interesting compilation CD of their own that doesn't get interrupted by commercials every 20 minutes.

Now then. When your presenter does his 3 times an hour non-personality based railway station sound-a-like announcements followed by long breaks before the next song, that will finally prompt the listener to flip the CD of their choice without the irritating breaks) into their player instead of hanging around your pointless radio station any more.

Don't ever playlist any songs that might be different, new or interesting. Rotate a small boring selection of mainly slushy and safe oldies. It is essential to remember that regardless of how many songs an artist produced, you should only ever play one or two of them, again on high rotation, and never change them for others they've recorded. Remember you must include anybody that has been producing music for many years and currently has nothing new or innovative to contribute to music's evolution.

On those rather scary occasions when you are forced to include something modern, always give priority to songs that are the unknown artists doing older songs or stuff that might have some retro feel about it. This is easy to do at the moment since shows like X Factor and Pop Idol churn out enough of this crap to keep radio stations going for six months at a time.

In an emergency when you think listeners might accidentally still be listening, break out the emergency pack of safe sounding boy bands. These are the guys normally from Dublin with a different name, but exactly the same 'boy band' sound that has come from Ireland for nearly 20 years.

Remember, you really don't want your listeners staying tuned to hear new stuff. Your job is to make them bored and to switch off. They must never find out about new stuff from your radio station. Your job is to make them go away and buy a music paper, go to a club, hear from their mates what's new, or anything other than stay tuned.

It is very important that the listener is always aware that there's a block of commercials coming, otherwise they won't know when to tune away to another station not playing commercials, or to put a CD on.

There are a number of ways to get your presenters to tell them to tune away. They need to use phrases like "...And we've got a classic from x coming up straight after these." Such a phrase helps point out in no uncertain terms that there's about to be a sequence of 'no-music'. Worse than a sequence of 'no-music', it's a sequence of boring shouting commercials. Telegraphing that this is about to happen definitely cues the listener to hop away from the station, which is of course what you want.

Indeed, making sure your presenter only ever talks just before the commercials are played is a sure fire way of telegraphing the 'no-music' sequence. With luck, as soon as any stray listener hears the presenter start to speak they'll know it's time to go, and so won't even hang around during their railway station like announcements about how exciting the breakfast show will be tomorrow.

It is also important to ensure that these sequences of 'no-music' are kept as long and as predictable as possible. Despite the fact that the listener is waiting for more music (the only reason they bother tuning to your station in the first place), play them a cascade of commercials and make sure you follow these with more speech, like news or travel. Conclude the sequence with even more commercials just in case somebody has accidentally stayed tuned.

It's important to max-out the time before they hear another song in a most boring and predictable way. Never change this sequence of events - commercials, news, travel, commercials - it must always be the same, day in day out at this time.

With a bit of luck, as soon as listeners hear the telegraphing statement from the presenter they know it's time for 10 minutes of boredom, because that's what always happens at this time. Never vary the sequence or split it up so that it's shorter. They might not tune away.